Port o Johnny
Every laugh so hard at something completely inappropriate and you want to tell someone but can’t because if anyone found out you have such a disturbing sense of humor, you’d never be allowed to speak in public restrooms again? Speaking of public restrooms, I used a port o john the other day, and I must say I’d rather take a piss live on stage during the American Idol finale than ever do that again.
Whenever I go into a port o john, I feel like I’m being haunted by poop poltergeists! Like all the souls of all the shit that had passed through before are hanging out waiting to attach themselves to my clothes and nasal hair. And getting in and out of there while touching as little as possible is like playing microbial Operation.
Then when you leave, you feel so dirty, like you just took a shower in booty sweat, so now you’re sniffing yourself every ten seconds trying to see if any poop poltergeists hitched a ride on your t-shirt that you bought at Old Navy two sizes too small because you didn’t want to admit you packed on waaay more winter weight than you planned so your midriff looks more like an inflatable midraft peeking out from under your shirt and wondering, “What smells like shit?!!”
I have no idea where I was going with this…
the Strawboss has spoken
Just Say No
My motto is “Be slow to speak.” Well, that’s my motto for others. Personally, I’ll stick to shooting from the hip. Won’t even remove it from the holster. Now, there are exceptions to my slow your roll advice. These are questions that should always be answered with No.
Can I Ask You a Question? – Well you just did! Asking a prep question is always a bad sign. What they really mean is “Can I ask you something really personal and possibly incriminating?” PASS! Just lead with the actual question so I can tell to you to mind your own d@mn business!
Can You Keep a Secret? – No. And apparently, neither can you. I know ear juice is tempting, but the next secret could be yours. Besides, bursting Chatty Cathy’s bubble is more fun.
Do I Look Fat? – The real answer is always Yes. The smart answer is always No.
Wanna See Something Gross? – NO! Who wants to see something gross? And I can guarantee it will be 10 times more disturbing than you imagined. Save yourself therapy money and keep it moving.
You Got a Minute? – Nope. Unless the question includes what this minute is for, don’t even give it pause. Clearly, the asker is trying to limit your excuses without showing his hand. Answer Yes and you may wind up helping someone’s grandmother out of the tub, and trust, that is not something you want to be doing on a full stomach.
the Strawboss has spoken
Music Career
Hi Strawboss,
My son is interested in getting into the music business, but I want him to get a proper education and get into business. I know there are career options if combining business and music, but kind of degree would he need to get?
Dad
Hi Dad,
When it comes to the music business, the real money is in being a producer, and that essentially just involves providing the talent with lavish gifts that you charge them for later. So your son doesn’t so much need a degree as he does a well planned con.
If he insists on getting a degree, I suggest criminal justice as he will most likely be charged with tax evasion and/or possession at some point in his career.
the Strawboss has spoken
That’s Racist!
You know what racism is? Racism is me going to your family reunion and picking the most dim witted, slacktard that your compromised gene pool could muster up and telling you that he now represents your entire clan.
the Strawboss has spoken
