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From Toyfriend to Boyfriend

Posted by the Strawboss on September 3, 2015 in ask the Strawboss

Dear Strawboss,

I have a “friend” who I think might be interested in more–but I’ve never been the one to start a relationship before. What’s the best way to break the ice?

Amanda

 

Dear Amanda,

I’m guessing by “friend” you mean Booty Buddy, and by more you mean knowing your last name. Now, I’m a little confused when you say you’ve never started a relationship before. Were previous couplings done without your knowledge? Were they part of a court order? I’m pretty sure outside of arranged marriages and general slavery, both parties have to agree before a relationship can be established. As far as breaking the ice, well, I think that happened the first time his penis came out.

Odd word choices aside, I think I know what you’re saying here. You met this guy on a hook up site thinking you could outsmart hundreds of thousands of years of genetic fine tuning and have sex without any emotion. Mother Nature got wind of your scheme and was like, “Fuq that!” and one of you caught feelings. Now, you’re trying reverse engineer a relationship. Well, you’ve come to the right place. My parents went through the exact same thing when my younger sister was born.

The first thing you need to do is engage in activities that don’t involve your bed, sofa or cargo area of his SUV. Secondly, learn each others last names. Next, talk. Get to know one another. You don’t have to switch gears and go full throttle from toyfriend to boyfriend. If you are compatible, then there should be a natural progression towards a relationship and real intimacy. Understand that sex is just a scam to ensure the survival of our species. True intimacy is found in the eyes and the heart. It might seem awkward at first, trying to build the foundation after the house has a roof, but it can be done. Not literally pouring a foundation under a preexisting structure. That’s just an analogy.

 

the Strawboss has spoken

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Dying Shortly

Posted by the Strawboss on September 1, 2015 in ask the Strawboss

Dear Strawboss,

My boyfriend has terminal cancer and only has between 1-5 years to live.  How do I cope with loving someone I will lose shortly?

Nicole

 

Dear Nicole,

They say ignorance is bliss, and it’s really true. Ignorance allows us to sleep at night, keep our belief systems intact and eat in public restaurants. Ignorance also allows us to take time for granted.

Mortality is a fact of life, and no amount of years are guaranteed to any of us, yet we walk about like we have Mario cheat codes doling out infinite lives. Then when the Reaper is within site, we remember all the things we wanted to do and say. We bemoan wasted time and squandered opportunities, knowing full well we never meant to survive.

Getting a peak at the hourglass is a blessing and a curse though. The curse is obvious: pain, shock, sadness. But the blessing is you have the opportunity to direct the course of your relationship without interference from delusions of immortality. As I said before, there will be many negative emotions that come with knowing the maximum amount of time you have left with your loved ones, and it’s okay to leave space in your heart for grieving. But understand, you will have time after he’s gone for that. Right now, use your time to enjoy each other. Leave no adventure unventured, leave no words unsaid, leave no lips unkissed and leave no heart uncherished. If you do these things, you might mitigate some of the pain of his passing. You also might learn to appreciate all that you love in this world even more, because with or without cancer, any one of us could be lost shortly.

 

the Strawboss has spoken

 

 

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Money to Blow

Posted by the Strawboss on September 1, 2015 in ask the Strawboss

Dear Strawboss,

I am 22 years old and have 900 bucks to my name. What can I do to multiply this money?

Richie

 

Dear Richie,

Since you have $863.00 more than I have, you can multiply those 9 bills by my 5 fingers! Now, I can’t guarantee you a positive to ROI, but I can guarantee me a positive checking account balance.

If that money is burning a hole in your pocket and you need to squander invest it somewhere, you try stocks, bonds or CD’s, but my spidey sense and your youth are telling me you aren’t looking to wait two years to earn a couple hundred extra bucks. If you need it fast, I suggest you photocopy the $900 or invest in THRIVE and hustle it to friends and family. They’re both short-lived money making opportunities, but if you’re worried about legal troubles, I’d go with photocopying.

 

the Strawboss has spoken

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Craigslist Job Posting

Posted by the Strawboss on August 30, 2015 in ask the Strawboss

Armwrestling (Springfield)

compensation: $25
employment type: part-time

 
Need a guy to practice Armwrestling with, will pay $25 cash. Must be height and weight proportionate. I’m in Springfield Ohio so you should be near there. Must enjoy Armwrestling and flexing. Please be average sized or even on the skinnier side. Text me a picture of your biceps!
 
Sounds legit….
 
the Strawboss has spoken.