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Be Yourself

Posted by the Strawboss on March 6, 2015 in Diatribe

beYourself

 

the Strawboss has spoken

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Flying Cars

Posted by the Strawboss on February 20, 2015 in Diatribe

flyingCars

the Strawboss has spoken

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Don’t Do in Zombie World

Posted by the Strawboss on February 15, 2015 in Diatribe

Anyone who knows me is quite familiar with my vast array of contingency plans, you know like if I go to prison, fall out of an airplane, or meet Zooey Deschanel. Due to my interest in Zombie lore, I have multiple contingency plans for when the dead start walking. These plans include a few rules that must never be broken if you are to survive. Read and take notes.

DON’T Yawn/Moan – I don’t care how tired you are or how long your day has been. You do not making any noises that sound even remotely like a zombie mating call. All it takes is one skittish member of your group to unload a clip into your cranium because you had the sleepies.

DON’T Walk with a Limp – I don’t care if your ankle is bent at 90 degrees. You better keep that spring in your step. Like moaning, limping makes people trigger happy. If you absolutely cannot walk straight, at least swing your arms from side to side like you’re performing “The Hard Knock Life.” Hopefully no one assumes you’re a “fancy” zombie with jazz hands.

DON’T Sleep – Okay, you gotta sleep, so try to do it in a tree like Katniss Everdeen or Ernie Keebler.

DON’T Daydream – There are many luxuries you will lose in Zombie World: sunbathing, long poops, sleeveless shirts and daydreaming. Listen, I know you will have lost a lot by then, but learn to run while you reminisce! RIP, Tyrese…

DON’T Hesitate – That is not your cousin Junebug anymore. That is a rotting, mindless, eating machine that will not hesitate to turn you into a Lunchable, so you need to shoot first and sob later.

There are more DON’Ts, but this starter kit should get you through the first week or so.

the Strawboss has spoken

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No Credit

Posted by the Strawboss on February 2, 2015 in ask the Strawboss

Dear Strawboss,

What is the best kind of credit card to get if you have an extremely poor credit score? My credit is bad because of past due medical bills but I have never actually owned a credit card. So would I need a card for low or no credit?

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

The best credit card for you would be your mom’s. If your credit is extremely poor, chances are, you’d only qualify for one of those Rush cards that require a vital organ as collateral, and a kidney is usually worth more than your $200 credit limit.

You’re probably not ready for a credit card at this stage, so just focus on paying your bills on time for a while. Later, you might be able to get a cosigner for credit and work your way up to a credit score in the triple digits, thus keeping your body parts where they belong.

the Strawboss has spoken