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Planet Witless??

Posted by the Strawboss on March 6, 2013 in Diatribe

I’ve been seeing these Planet Fitness commercials talking about their Lunk Free facilities, and I wasn’t sure what a Lunk was. The commercials seemed to have homo-erotic undertones (male and female), but a gay free gym would lose half it’s membership. So I looked the word up. Urban Dictionary says a Lunk is “A word made up by Planet Fitness used to describe one who grunts, drops weights, and judges.” Well, this alone gave me the impression this was Planet Douche, but I continued my research. Turns out, if you’re deemed a Lunk, an alarm goes off. A LOUD alarm. But Planet Fitness is a “judgement free zone,” unless you make too much noise then they judge the ish out of you! This is the equivalent of putting a dunce cap on your students for moving their lips when they read. I mean seriously, grunting is a punishable offense? It’s a GYM, not an effing tennis match! What, you need complete silence to do the elliptical at level 2 while watching Breaking Dawn on your iPad?

Now, I know some of you acolytes are gonna say, “I like Planet Fitness! All that grunting and heavy lifting is ridiculous. I don’t wanna be surrounded by all those meatheads!” Let me just say type that it goes beyond the juvenile name calling. I have 2 more reasons why this place cannot be taken seriously:

  1. The Judgment Free Zone – The Lunk alarm alone invalidates this claim, but let’s move on to another reason why this mantra is so ridiculous. The idea is that people want to go somewhere and not feel judged. They don’t want be surrounded by perfect models strutting and scrutinizing your size. Guess what. No one is doing that anyway. They’re only staring at you because you’re resting on the equipment between sets and they only have a 45 minute lunch break! If you’re too insecure to work out next to people who know what they’re doing, then you need to get your mind right. Trying to eliminate fit people in order to cater to the insecurities of the masses is asinine. If I’m out of shape and my gym is filled with other out of shape people, sooner or later, I’m going to start to question the effectiveness of the place. Would you visit a salon where people left with the same jacked up hair do’s they entered with?
  2. The Free Food – That’s right, I said free food. The number 2 reason why this place is joke is they give away free food. And not carrots or protein shakes. Bagels, Pizza and TOOTSIE ROLLS!! WTF?!! Tootsie Rolls? What’s next? An intervention with an open bar? The explanation given is people need a reward for all their hard work. So the reward for hard work is undoing your hard work??? I burn about 500 calories during 30 minutes of cardio, but I’m haulin ass like a runaway slave who impregnated a white woman on her wedding day. Most people at Planet Fitness are probably burning around 300 calories in that same amount of time. A slice of pizza is around 200 calories, and who eats just one slice? Basically, this place has the potential to make you fatter!

Clealry, Planet Fitness has no intentions of helping people get in shape. Their mission is to get bodies in the door and they found an untapped market in the fitness game, the Doolittles. Doolittles are people who do just enough exercise to create the illusion of getting in shape and use every excuse to do even less. It’s funny how the excuse of being judged or watched has never stopped anyone from going to Old Country Buffet. And believe you me, after your 4th trip to up to the sneeze guard, your ass is being judged. And even if you had a valid argument for the mock Judgment Free zone, Planet FATness loses all credibility when they offer free junk food to their clients.

Getting in shape is about yourself. If you’re serious about it, you won’t be so obsessed with the idea of being judged. In fact, Lunks, as they are called, are likely to be impressed that you are working on your health and will even give you tips if asked. No one claiming to help you is going cater to your insecurities and weaknesses. They will help you overcome them. Find a gym without the gimmicks and divisiveness. The only things that matter are availability of equipment, cost, distance and hours. Let the Doolittles be concerned with the rest.

Soapbox Car Willie the Strawboss has spoken

1 Comment

  • No Tootsie Rolls for me says:

    Planet Fitness is a business. They have targeted a market and it works for them. I am a member and have never been tempted by the Tootsie Rolls that sit right on the counter when you sign in. Never had even one slice of the pizza. An abundance of pizza over the years is part of why I need to work out. There are people of all shapes and sizes every time I go. The reason I chose Planet Fitness IS because of the cost, distance from my home, convenient hours and tons of equipment. I have had many members offer suggestions on what machines to try and some of them notice when I take a chance at what they have mentioned. And I can take a friend for free, you might be surprised if you step inside that it really isn’t full of Doolittles. A Strawboss Fan has spoken:)