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Coffee Face

Posted by the Strawboss on May 6, 2013 in Bad Info

Coffee to Stop Hair Growth

Coffee face

“Get rid of unwanted hair ANYWHERE! For 1 week, rub 2 tbsp coffee grounds mixed with 1 tsp baking soda. The baking soda intensifies the compounds of the coffee breaking down the hair follicles at the root!”

This right here is what’s wrong with the world.

As you all know, I’m an avid Pinhead (the Pinterest liking kind, not the soul stealing alien). Actually, you probably have no idea that I’m a Pinhead as I’ve only mentioned Pinterest once. Twice if you count two sentences ago. Thrice if you, never mind…

So, I was on Pinterest wondering if I’m the only heterosexual male in the whole Piniverse when I came across the aforementioned pin. My first thought was, “Why is this jigro smearing shit on his cheek?!” My second thought was, “Why does someone want instructions on how to smear shit on their own cheeks?!” But upon closer examination (i.e. bothering to read), I discovered this was a hair removal technique. Now, my spidey sense was buzzing like a cheap vibrator in your grandma’s purse. Coffee to stop hair growth? That sounded a lot like the advice of punching a shark in the nose to run it off. The only difference is the shark advice will have you learning to write with your left hand and the coffee thing will have you looking like someone took a dump on your face.

But hey, I’m a selectively open minded guy, so I decided to educate myself by reading on. Okay, so it wasn’t coffee that removed your whiskers. It was coffee and baking soda. Well that sounds a lot more logical because Arm & Hammer has long been known to turn beverages into caustic substances…

“The baking soda intensifies the compounds of the coffee…”

What compounds? Calcium thioglycolate and sodium hydroxide? Listen, if your coffee has trace amounts of a Perm Kit and Lye, I suggest you find a new java supplier. And now for some real science. Hair and skin have similar properties, so anything “breaking down hair” is also breaking down skin. That means even if your Folgers Depilatory worked, you’d probably wind up looking like someone smacked you in the face with the sun.

I will never cease to be amazed at how easily people believe dumb shit. Some guy provides you with 18 different birth certificates, and you start screaming some nonsense about 15 layers in Illustrator and conspiracies that would require time travel. Someone else shows you a pic of a dude with a shit stained face and you’re ready to throw out your Epilady and walk around smelling like Juan Valdez in a crack house.

Even if your knowledge of Chemistry is limited to mixing cough syrup with Pepsi, common sense should tell you that “intensifies the compounds”¬† sounds about as scientific as stepping on a crack to break your mother’s back. Sure we all get taken, but falling for, “Yes my boobs are real,” is a lot different than “Negative calorie foods help you lose weight!” FYI, if negative calorie foods existed, you would starve to death.

Again, I love Pinterest, but you gotta have your critical thinking cap on when you visit. Otherwise you’ll be the retard posting pics of blue watermelons and rainbow owls.

FYI, the guy in the pic is using coffee as a facial scrub.

the Strawboss has spoken.

3 Comments

  • Amy says:

    You probably shouldnt use the word retarted. Its rude, offensive and you sound pretty ignorant when using it.

  • the Strawboss says:

    Probably not as ignorant as the person who can’t spell the word. Tip: That squiggly red line means a misspelling.

  • Inny Craw says:

    Thanks for making some sense, this is flooding Pinterest at the moment!?! I wanted to do my own research to find out more about this “incredible” product… I cannot believe that it works, but no one seems to have actually tried this out to debunk…Sigh does it have to be me? :-\