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Basement Gator

Posted by the Strawboss on June 7, 2013 in Diatribe

Gator Found in Huber Heights Basement

How does this happen? I thought we had come to an agreement on which animals we were gonna keep as pets, which ones we were gonna eat, and which ones we were gonna leave in the EFFIN’ WILD! In case someone forgot their list, alligators are in the effin’ wild column.

Why do people attempt to keep wild animals as companions? I wonder if it’s like when you go out for lunch and nothing sounds good. Are these people at the pet store like, “Fish, eh. I don’t feel like birds. I bought a dog yesterday… What’s this? A pit viper? Tell me more…”

Listen, I love animals. I think owning a tiger would be cool as shit, but I also think dressing up as a superhero and fighting crime would be cool as shit. Fortunately, there’s another part of my brain that says, “Wait a minute, both of those ideas will get your fool ass killed!” and that is the part of my brain I tend to listen to.

If you’ve lost your Pet – Food – Keep Your Effin’ Distance list, here’s any easy way to tell if you should keep an animal as your new best friend:

  • Are any of its teeth bigger than your thumb?
  • Can it kill you in your sleep?
  • Will it kill you in your sleep?
  • Will your head fit in its mouth?
  • Does it weigh more than you?
  • Has it been featured on When Animals Attack?
  • Do the indigenous people in its native habitat consider it an angry god?
  • Was it the antagonist in any Biblical stories?
  • If it escapes from its enclosure, will city wide panic ensue?
  • Does it consider you a potential food source?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, consider getting a DOG instead.

Gator found in Huber Heights basement

the Strawboss has spoken

1 Comment

  • Deslyn says:

    Haha!! I actually lol’d on that…almost snorted! “Will your head fit in its mouth?” Too funny!