So I’m at this funeral and it was going on forever, like I thought for sure someone else would die before this thing was over and we’d go into overtime. Luckily, someone invented smartphones allowing us the opportunity to feed our ADD at will. Actually, I don’t really believe there is any such thing as Attention Deficit Disorder. I just think in the old days no one realized how boring life was til video games an phone apps came along.
Anyway, I’m on Pinterest, which has been BORE-ing lately, that is, til this lil doozy came along:
Kids dressed as SHADOWS for Halloween – their mother bought black morph suits for them then layered black clothes over those. She says, This might be the easiest costume on earth!
Isn’t that an awesome idea!? It’s fun, simple and creative, and you won’t have to worry about your kids eating too much candy because THEY’LL BE DEAD!!
Let’s put our thinking caps on here for a minute. Beggar’s Night falls in October and most cities have it between 6 and 8pm. Now, as the Farmer’s Almanac, daily news and a couple years of simple observation will tell you, the days get shorter in Fall and Winter. That means halfway through the Great Sugar Rush, your lil blackouts will become virtually invisible! For years people have been finding ways to make trick or treaters more visible. This woman, however, would prefer her children take motorists by surprise. Even the bucket is black! And what’s up with the freaky kid in the middle looking like an extra from The Ring? These costumes could only be worse if she painted yellow stripes down their middles and had them lie in the road.
So in honor of her impending negligent homicide charges, I’ve found some other really bad children’s costumes. Although none of them are likely to get anyone killed.
Baby Hitler- Is there anything more adorable than a baby committing genocide? I hear there’s a Baby Judas costume in this same collection.
Pretty Toddler – Nothing says childhood innocence like dressing up as someone who has sex with strange men for a living. And let’s make it clear that she’s a hooker by choosing the most famous hooker in all of modern fiction.
“And what are you, lil girl?”
“I’m a whore!!”
Jihad Junior – You know what’s funny? Terrorists! You know what’s funnier? Children pretending to be terrorists! Add a teaspoon of racism and you got a recipe for Bad Parenting Pie. If you’re really committed to our child’s dysfunction, you should have given him a severed head or maybe have his siblings dress up as the Twin Towers!
Merwhore – Lil girls dressed as mermaids are adorable. Lil girls dressed as mermaids at Mardi Gras is child pornography! WTF is wrong with that dad??? Is her brother behind them dressed as Ron Jeremy with a kielbasa hanging out of his pants!!?? I literally want to beat the shit out of that guy and suffocate him with that wind sock of a fish tail he’s carrying.
Condom Kid – I always thought people basically only had 2 jobs as parents: 1. Don’t kill your kids, and 2. Don’t dress them up as rubbers. What’s the matter? Were they all out of 5T dildo costumes? Surely there was a Silver Bullet in his size.
As adults, you can wear a KKK robe to a 50 Cent concert if ya want to. Children, on the other hand, should refrain from donning anything that might endanger their lives or mental stability. When in doubt about a costume choice, err on the side of not being not being a f*ck up. Stick with superheroes, princesses and zombies. That will save you a visit from DCFS and the cost of therapy.
the Strawboss has spoken