I’m sitting here looking up old school jams on Youtube ad realizing, a lot of my favorite singers really couldn’t sing. So here a few of my faves in no particular order.

Paula Abdul – What’s sad is that at one time I thought Straight Up was the greatest song ever. What’s even sadder is that I didn’t realize she couldn’t sing until Rush Rush. Still love that mushy song tho!

J.Lo – I actually fought with my sister over this woman’s pipes. The glutes had me duped!

Bobby Brown – Who cares if he couldn’t sing? The music was fun, and it was his prerogative!

Lisa Lisa – Some of you young cats won’t remember her dying cat sound or her band, the Cult Jam. Look them up on Youtube and don’t judge me. I was a teen and she had big boobs.

Samantha Fox – See Lisa Lisa for explanation.

Janet Jackson – Y’all know Janet can’t sang. She just looks good while doing it.

Cyndi Lauper – She just wanted to have fun and so did I! In retrospect, she sounded like a hyena getting whipped for stealing loose change.

Madonna – See Janet.

New Edition – Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike… Ralph carried you squawking macaws.

Roger Troutman – Again, you young cats probably don’t recall this guy. He was the T-Pain of the 80′s. He spoke into what looked like a respirator to produce those synthesized vocals. You might remember his contribution to 2Pac’s California Love. I know, you’re shocked that T-Pain isn’t an original.

T-Pain – Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to see his star fade, but it was fun while it lasted, and every generation needs a Roger.

Shakira – On the fence about her vocals, but she’s smokin hot, so she gets a pass.

Beyonce – She sounds like she’s sitting on a washer during the spin cycle, but… well, see Shakira.

It’s late at night, everyone’s in bed and I’m delirious from lack of sleep. It’s the perfect storm of events for watching a horror flick like Paranormal Activity, right? WRONG! I’ve been more afraid watching Goosebumps!

Far be it from me to criticize pop culture… actually, that’s not very far from me, but this time it’s more than justified! I haven’t been this let down since The Michael Richards’ Show. Below you will find my list of complaints about this movie (surprise!). SPOILER ALERT!

1. Katie’s Shady Past – While I do not believe in ghosts or demons, I do believe in crazy, and Katie was a big ball of that. Even as a nonbeliever, I would still be worried about a chick who claims to have been haunted since she was 8. It would only be a matter of time before this heifer is at the foot of my bed, burning my house to the ground.

2. Katie Gets Froggy – Micah said his camera costs half of what he makes in a day. I estimate that camera at $5,000. Some quick math tells us that my man Micah is pulling down $2,600,000 a year. That’s some serious coin. Katie, ON THE OTHER HAND, is a professional student. So please tell me how this chick has the nerve to kick my man out of rooms that he paid for? You wanna be alone, you and your demon better go sleep in the convertible. This MY house!

3. Unimaginative Demons – This is a problem I have with lots of supernatural flicks. Invisible creatures walking around doing stupid sh*t all night. Can you imagine returning to Hell and handing over your productivity report to your boss? “You closed some doors, left the lights on, watched some TV, moved a set of keys, threw a shoe at a chandelier and you short sheeted their bed? What is this, Johnson? You’re a demon, not Dennis the Menace! And what’s all that white crap you’re tracking all over my floor?!”

4. Incompetent Ghost Hunter – What was up with this worthless SOB? “I don’t do demons! I’m only trained in ghosts!” Well, don’t you have any holy water or a proton gun you can leave behind? Reminds me of that skit from In Living Color where Tommy Davidson goes to work in the fast food joint and claims he can work a shake machine. After it explodes he claims, “Oh see that was chocolate. I only have experience with strawberry and vanilla.”

5. Micah the Moron – If there is one time you need Jesus on your side, it is when demons are squatting at your pad. Therefore, you probably aren’t gonna get any cool points from JC if you throw a crucifix in a fire. In fact, you’ll probably get a few more demons assigned to your watch.

6. Foot Powder – What was that gonna solve? Sure, it lets you know someone’s in the room, but I thought we established that with the Home Alone antics mentioned earlier. But Micah’s gonna fix it. Sorry, but unless Hell Boy sees his foot prints in the baby powder and yells, “The jig is up!” and runs away, all you got a is demon with white feet.

7. Ouija Boards – People always get their knickers in a knot over this line to the undead, but here’s a fun fact, Ouija is a trademark of Parker Brothers. You know, the same cats who brought you Monopoly, Risk and Trivial Pursuit? So, unless the Ouija boards are sprinkled with a lil bug-a-boo dust at the end of production, you run the same supernatural risks with your thimble landing on Park Place.

8. Gratuitous Nudity – There was none! Oh, there was the tease of such treasures, but we never got the full monty. It wouldn’t have saved this movie, but it would have made it slightly more tolerable.

9. Katie – Not only was this chick annoying, she was the cause of all this tomfoolery. Once it was established that the demon was there because of her, Micah should have sent that lil freeloader packin’! Then this sack of whine has the nerve to blame it all on Micah and his camera (which she held for half the movie)! Micah, there are plenty of ample bosomed women in the world who have jobs and aren’t being shadowed by the undead.

10. Been Done – You can never duplicate The Blair Witch Project. We all lost our cherries with that one, and we will never be duped again.

I was thinking about some tunes from back in day, and I remember debating with my sister about some songs with questionable lyrics, so I decided to compile a list of these songs and ask, “Am I the only one who found these songs creepy?”

1. Summer Nights (Grease )- This is the Holy Grail of musicals for suburbanites across the nation. And while it’s a fun lil diddy, one can’t help but to notice the implication of date rape.

Tell me more, tell me more, was it love at first sight?
Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?

In other words, “Did you have to strong arm that b*tch into submission?” And the level of excitement with which that line is delivered makes it all the more creepy. The music should have stopped and Danny shoulda been like, “No…freak…” And while I’m on the subject of Grease, try to get a song on the radio these days with the words Pussy Wagon in the lyrics. Yeah, those were more innocent times…

2. Do Me (Bell Biv Devoe) – BBD was hot in the early 90′s with hit after hit, but I don’t get why they were never taken to task over their child molester’s anthem

Back stage, underage adolescent, how ya doin?
Fine, she replied
I said I’d like to do the wild thing

Were you all too busy doing the Roger Rabbit to notice Ronnie explicitly asked for sex from an underage girl? The next line is “Action took place.” It TOOK PLACE! How did this make it on the airwaves? All the time wasted trying to prosecute R Kelly, and here Ronnie DeVoe had a taped confession.

3. Don’t Be Afraid (Aaron Hall of Guy) – Before he got “Sean Combs’d” by Teddy Riley, Aaron Hall was a hot commodity. This particular line should’ve set off Amber Alerts all across the country.

You can yell and you can hit me
It just makes me horny

So what you’re saying, Aaron, is, girls struggling to get your ashy hands off of them is quite the turn on? Tell me, did you ever do Grease in school?

4. Into the Night (Benny Mardones) – This song starts off clearly indicating the singer’s interest in jail bait.

She’s just sixteen years old
Leave her alone, they say,
Separated by fools

No, Benny, separated by LAW! And I think THEY are offering some pretty sound advice. Find girls your own age before you wind up in the pen singing “Into the Rectum.”

5. I’m On Fire (Bruce Springsteen) – Much like Into the Night, I’m On Fire is a jail bait jingle right from the start.

Hey little girl is your daddy home?
Did he go away and leave you all alone?
I got a bad desire
I’m on fire

Even without all the importuning that follows, the 1st line is creepy enough. When has the question, “Hey lil girl is your daddy home?” not been followed by an Amber Alert or a gunshot? Someone needs to check the Boss’ backyard for shallow graves.

6. Age Ain’t Nothing Number (Aaliyah) – There are no offending lyrics in this song, but its title combined with the fact that it was written by R Kelly, combined with the fact that Aaliyah was 14 at the time raises a huge red flag. How was this man not convicted? The song might as well have been called, “I’m Having Sex with You as Soon as You finish This Song, Despite the Fact That You’re Young Enough to Be My Daughter.”

Okay, so the news is abuzz about the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy in the military being repealed and everyone has an opinion. Well, surprise surprise I have one too. Fasten your seat belts.

Beliefs are like fears. They don’t have to be rational to exist.Take me for example. I’m afraid of mice. Now, I’m fairly certain that in the history of musophobia, no mouse has ever directly brought harm to a human being. Nonetheless, I run like dysentery whenever mice are around. But at least I know I’m being irrational. That being said, let’s address some Gays in the Military concerns I’ve pulled straight from the net.

“We do not need to turn the military establishment into a sub culture mirroring San Francisco bath houses.”
What in Sam Hill do you think is gonna happen? They’re gonna tie the ends of their shirts into knots and wear camo Daisy Duke shorts while waving a rainbow flag? News flash, not every gay man is a Lady Gaga impersonator.

“i wouldent want to shower, and train with men that are gay, just my opinion.”
Well, I WOULDENT want to shower with someone who sounded out the word wouldn’t and thought it included an E. Besides, much like every woman does not want you, every gay man does not want you. If your argument is sexual assault, then you better start banning the heteros, because statistics say about 34% of women have been sexually assaulted during active duty. Talk about sexual deviancy!

“I don’t think our fighting men need ANY kind of distraction as they serve and risk their lives for our country.”
Okay, if you are in the middle of combat dodging, bullets, IED’s, mortars and suicide bombers and your main concern is some “Nancy Boy” checking out your glutes, then maybe YOU need to be banned from the military. Listen, Liberace could come back from the grave to give Ru Paul a double fisted handjob while playing “Dude Look Like a Lady” on the piano with his butt cheeks and I would only pause long enough to say, “Drop the c*ck and run!!”

“A TRUE Christian obeys God as ruler rather than men (Acts. 5:29), and when man’s laws contradict God’s laws, chooses to obey God!”
Okay, now quote me the verse that says gays can’t serve in the military. Take your time, I’m going to get a snack… Okay, what did you find? Still looking? Well, why you do that, keep in mind the fact that we knowingly allow atheists, racists and gang members in the military. Pretty sure the Good Book takes issue with those folks as well.

“You should be able to confidently trust that the Marine next to has your back, and not like that.”
Yo, retard, the DADT policy acknowledges the fact that there are ALREADY ARE gay marines! How is knowing that he rides the Hershey highway make him any less trustworthy? He doesn’t change at all. The only thing that changes is your perception.

I could go on and on, but you get my drift. You can color your reasoning with morality, religion, tradition, whatever, but the reality is, it all stems from fear, hatred and ignorance. Mankind has a history of fearing and/or hating what he doesn’t understand. I was once very anti-gay until I really thought about how I was discriminated against. How the 1st time I was called nigger was at Christian Camp. How I was stopped at Sinclair by security because they “hadn’t seen me around before (WTF??!).” And how I was pulled over in Oakwood and asked about recent robberies and the number of times I had been arrested. I hated how that felt, and I could never make anyone else feel that way. If the only way to build yourself up is to tear someone else down, then you must already feel pretty low.

A person wants to defend our country with his/her life. How can you have a problem with that?