Dear Strawboss,
I have a small problem with my girlfriend. She really likes animals, especially homeless ones. However the problem is that now she wants to bring a cat home but I really don’t want to. How can I change her mind?
Jim

Dear Jim,
Unless she likes animals, I’m not really seeing the problem. I understand that you don’t like cats. I don’t either. They strut around the house like their sh*t don’t stink when everybody knows, cat sh*t STANK! And homeless cats? Don’t get me started. I once found a homeless cat on the exit ramp begging for food. Actually, he was begging the homeless guy next to him for food and
the guy traded him to me for a bag of Funyuns. The cat never quite adapted to life indoors. He would only sleep in a cardboard box, gathered cans from the trash and all my loose change kept coming up missing.

Nevertheless, I’m sure your girlfriend does a lot for you that she doesn’t really wanna do. And if she doesn’t, use the new cat as leverage. It’s a total win win. If she doesn’t go for it, she doesn’t get a cat. If she does go for it, well then I guess you both get cats…

I am the Strawboss. Meow

Dear Strawboss,
My sister is 13 but all she’s interested in is partying and going out with boys, I’m concerned about her future, what should I do?
Worried

Dear Worried,
I don’t get kids these days. In my day, young girls were only interested in boys and having a good time… Well, in my parents day girls were… wait, they were pretty bored in the South and fooled around a lot behind the barn drinking cream soda and doin’ the Funky Watusi. Well, in my great great great grandparents day they married young and died at 30…

Here’s the deal. She’s 13. She’s supposed be interested in parties and boys, so unless she’s a train wreck like Jenelle from Teen Mom 2, I think she’ll be okay. Just make sure she balances out the fun with a healthy attitude towards family and schoolwork. But if you think she has the makings of another Jenelle, I’d suggest hog tying and horse whipping. The world does not need a Teen Mom 3.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Strawboss,
My parents have always wanted me to be in a business career however I really want to be a teacher. I don’t want to disappoint them but I’m worried that I might not be happy doing what they want me to do. What should I do?
Anita

Dear Anita,
When I was younger, I wanted to be a chimney sweep. My parents, on the other hand, wanted me to take over the family business. We sold deep fried chit’lins from a wagon in downtown Miamisburg. It was called the Deep Fried Chit’lin Wagon. I too did not want to disappoint my parents, so I followed in their footsteps, which was hard because my dad is really tall and takes these impossibly huge strides. I felt like an Olympic high jumper. Anyway, long story short, there was a grease fire, a lawsuit, some reconstructive surgery, and about 300 hours of community service. Needless to say, I was not happy with my career choice. Unfortunately, by then, the season of chimney sweeping had passed for me, and I was forced to take a job telling people what they’re doing wrong.

Here’s the deal, Anita. Your parents chose their own path in life, now it’s time for you to choose yours. You are the only one who has to spend the next 30 years of your life dealing with the consequences of your choice, therefore, your opinion is the only one that matters. You are not an extension of your parents. You’re the product of their gametes and irresponsible behavior, sure. But you’re still you’re own person. Teach, be happy. Your parents will get over it.

I am the Strawboss. Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach others the incorrect way of doing it.

Dear Strawboss,
How can I politely say to my boyfriend that the movies he likes are stupid? I am afraid that I will offend him if I just tell him that I do not share his interest in such movies.
Frustrated,

Dear Frustry,
Well, you might wanna pull back on the reigns a little with the name calling. Telling him his interests are stupid is akin to calling him stupid. As a woman, you should understand the transitive properties of impersonal, negative comments to your self esteem.

“What do you mean the cat is getting fat? You calling me fat? Tell you what, since I’m so BIG now, why don’t you just leave?! Because neither my fat @ss nor my fat cat needs you! Okay?! We’ll be fat and happy by our d@mn selves!”

Your convo probably won’t go down quite like that, because, well, men aren’t as crazy as women. Okay, men are crazy too, just in different ways. But again, don’t use the word stupid. It’s nearly impossible to separate what people like to do from who they are because that’s part of what makes them who they are. So, subconsciously, if you think his movie choices are stupid, you probably think he’s a lil stupid too. And if the movies in question are Jackass 1-3, then you may very well be right. Still, your best bet is to introduce him to some more high brow entertainment. And by high brow, I do not mean brooding vampires that glisten in the sun. Try to steer the movie selections towards some middle ground that you can both enjoy. Eventually, you should find yourselves able to reach a consensus on movie nite. Now, making him a more well-rounded movie buff doesn’t mean he won’t still watch stupid movies. It just means you’ll have to endure far fewer of them. Of course, if it doesn’t work, you may have to accept the fact that your beau is a dullard.

I am the Strawboss. “Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!… Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!”