Dear Strawboss,
I recently found a oral contraceptives in one of my mom’s bags. And I know they were purchased recently because I checked the manufacturing date. Now, my dad works abroad and those oral contraceptives were manufactured after his last vacation. Do I confront my mom about it, or tell my dad, or not do anything, or what?
Thanks.
-Confused

Dear Confused,
Confronting your mom or telling your dad will just cause drama, but what you really want is EXTREME drama! Substitute all of the real pills for placebos then wait a of couple months. When you see her rushing home with a small shopping bag and heading straight for bathroom and screaming 3-5 minutes later, you’ll know your plan has worked. Your whole family will be torn apart, but you might get a reality show deal out of it.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you go looking for trouble, you are certain to find it. Either you will uncover things you didn’t want to know, or you will get busted for snooping. In this case, the latter is a real possibility. Women take the pill for reasons other than birth control, and if this true for your mother, your Perry Mason moment is gonna look a lot more like Mike Nifong moment… the DA in the Duke rape case? Watch the news, people! Basically, you could wind of looking like an @ss and losing all of your mother’s trust.

If you’re really dead set on busting this case wide open, then keep your eyes and ears open for strange behavior. I wouldn’t tail her to find out if she’s getting some tail, but paying attention wouldn’t hurt. If you find she really is creeping around, then it’s best to confront her. Make sure you have solid evidence first and be prepared for irreparable harm to your relationship. No one likes being called a ho by her own kid. And ignore that first piece of advice. That could get you killed or an illegitimate half brother.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Strawboss,
When is the right time to start dating? I am a 13 year old girl and some of my friends have started dating but I am not sure that I am ready yet.
Thanks
Jenn from Canada

Dear Jenn from Canada,
I’m not sure what the rules are up North, but down here in the lower 48, a girl is ready to start dating when the father no longer has the urge to throttle would be suitors, which is usually around 36.

Homicidal fathers aside, dating requires a certain level of emotional maturity and a degree of responsibility, neither of which I believe is found at 13. It’s okay to hang out and meet up at your favorite spot like the mall or Facebook, but I think actual dating should be reserved for when you’re old enough to drive. Besides, if adults are driving you everywhere, it seems a lot more like carpooling than dating.

Unless you have a terminal disease or the Mayans were right, then you have plenty of time to date. Enjoy being a kid for as long as you can. These will be some of the best, carefree times in your life, and once you make that journey into adulthood, there’s no turning back. So don’t rush it.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Strawboss,
I am a childless female in an office full of females who are mothers. I am tired of their comments to me that I have plenty of time to do my hair, go to the gym, travel etc, because I don’t have any children. They always assume that I have money to do whatever because I don’t have any children. If I say that I can’t wait until payday, one of them will normally pipe up and say that I should have plenty of savings on the bank as I don’t have kids. I normally grin and bear it, but it is becoming overbearing. I didn’t send them to have children. I enjoy looking nice and traveling (going to Italy in the summer), and it’s not because I don’t have any kids. I have friends who have kids and they keep themselves in shape and find time for themselves. The world doesn’t stop because you have kids. What advice can you give me on how to handle these endless and overbearing comments?
Tracey Kelly (fed up of the snide and overbearing remarks)

Dear Trace,
These birds are consumed with jealously and they will probably never relent their assault unless you get tough. Now I like what you said about, “I didn’t send them to have children.” It’s good, but how about, “I ain’t the one who told you to spread ya legs like warm butter on hot toast! Keep an aspirin between your knees next time!”

That won’t earn you any “Like Me” points, but they weren’t looking to make friends anyway. They simply want to find excuses for their lack of drive when it comes to their lives. No one has enough time or money, but everyone has choices. As a result of their choices, certain things might be a little harder to do, but that doesn’t mean that they are impossible, because they still have, well… choices. The easiest thing in the world to do is to find all the reasons why you can’t do something, “I’m too busy. I don’t have money. I’m too tired. That looks painful. I think that’s illegal. My hair’s on fire,” but those reasons are usually just excuses not to try. Now that I think about it, lead with that. We’ll call knee aspirin Plan B.

If misery loves company, then these heifers are throwing a block party. Refuse their invite and make it known that their remarks are not appreciated. Then they can talk behind your back like decent coworkers.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Strawboss,
Is it best to make extra payments a loan with a smaller interest rate and a low balance or higher amount loan balance with a much higher interest?
Indebted

Dear Indebted,
It’s best if you let someone else handle your finances for a while, like a parent, or a spouse, maybe a family pet…

I am the Strawboss.