Dear Confused,
Confronting your mom or telling your dad will just cause drama, but what you really want is EXTREME drama! Substitute all of the real pills for placebos then wait a of couple months. When you see her rushing home with a small shopping bag and heading straight for bathroom and screaming 3-5 minutes later, you’ll know your plan has worked. Your whole family will be torn apart, but you might get a reality show deal out of it.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you go looking for trouble, you are certain to find it. Either you will uncover things you didn’t want to know, or you will get busted for snooping. In this case, the latter is a real possibility. Women take the pill for reasons other than birth control, and if this true for your mother, your Perry Mason moment is gonna look a lot more like Mike Nifong moment… the DA in the Duke rape case? Watch the news, people! Basically, you could wind of looking like an @ss and losing all of your mother’s trust.

If you’re really dead set on busting this case wide open, then keep your eyes and ears open for strange behavior. I wouldn’t tail her to find out if she’s getting some tail, but paying attention wouldn’t hurt. If you find she really is creeping around, then it’s best to confront her. Make sure you have solid evidence first and be prepared for irreparable harm to your relationship. No one likes being called a ho by her own kid. And ignore that first piece of advice. That could get you killed or an illegitimate half brother.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Jenn from Canada,
I’m not sure what the rules are up North, but down here in the lower 48, a girl is ready to start dating when the father no longer has the urge to throttle would be suitors, which is usually around 36.

Homicidal fathers aside, dating requires a certain level of emotional maturity and a degree of responsibility, neither of which I believe is found at 13. It’s okay to hang out and meet up at your favorite spot like the mall or Facebook, but I think actual dating should be reserved for when you’re old enough to drive. Besides, if adults are driving you everywhere, it seems a lot more like carpooling than dating.

Unless you have a terminal disease or the Mayans were right, then you have plenty of time to date. Enjoy being a kid for as long as you can. These will be some of the best, carefree times in your life, and once you make that journey into adulthood, there’s no turning back. So don’t rush it.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Trace,
These birds are consumed with jealously and they will probably never relent their assault unless you get tough. Now I like what you said about, “I didn’t send them to have children.” It’s good, but how about, “I ain’t the one who told you to spread ya legs like warm butter on hot toast! Keep an aspirin between your knees next time!”

That won’t earn you any “Like Me” points, but they weren’t looking to make friends anyway. They simply want to find excuses for their lack of drive when it comes to their lives. No one has enough time or money, but everyone has choices. As a result of their choices, certain things might be a little harder to do, but that doesn’t mean that they are impossible, because they still have, well… choices. The easiest thing in the world to do is to find all the reasons why you can’t do something, “I’m too busy. I don’t have money. I’m too tired. That looks painful. I think that’s illegal. My hair’s on fire,” but those reasons are usually just excuses not to try. Now that I think about it, lead with that. We’ll call knee aspirin Plan B.

If misery loves company, then these heifers are throwing a block party. Refuse their invite and make it known that their remarks are not appreciated. Then they can talk behind your back like decent coworkers.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Indebted,
It’s best if you let someone else handle your finances for a while, like a parent, or a spouse, maybe a family pet…

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Barbie,
As a woman, you should know that easiest way to get what you want out of a man is to manipulate him. Now, there are a number of methods you can employ for this task: crying, withholding sex, feigning a terminal disease, but those are all rookie moves. You wanna step your game up by making him think that you’re down with his plan without fully committing to the cause, and the best way to do that is to make him question your competence and moral fortitude when it comes to working outside of the home. The following is a list of jobs that should do the trick:

Stripper
Land Mine Locator
Crash Test Dummy (not the band)
Drug Mule
Human Furniture
Kidney Donor (temporary work of course)
Al Qaeda Recruiter
Anal Bleacher (real profession)

Toss around a few of these, and your hubby will certainly see the error of his ways. You may have to endure some type of psychiatric evaluation, but once you’re cleared, it’s back to posting fake reviews of products you’ve never used online, or whatever it is you do from home.

I am the Strawboss.

Hi Katie,
Yes, it is safe to say it might work out. It’s also safe to say Arby’s serves good food. It would be a lie, but it’s perfectly safe to say. I personally have no faith in long distance relationships. Specifically because they deprive you of the very thing you’re searching for, companionship.

Now, whenever I point out a flaw in a relationship, someone says, “Every relationship has flaws.” Well, that’s the bottom ranked Jr High Debate Club’s way of saying, “I have no reasonable retort so I will state the obvious in an attempt to defend my poor decisions.” Yes, everyone and everything has flaws, but there are flaw degrees. Not like you go to school and get a flawed degree, which I guess you can, but that’s not what I meant. I mean different levels. There’s “I like the Steelers and he likes the Bengals,” then there’s, “I like men and so does he.”

Love is a crap shoot right from the start, so encumbering yourself with unnecessary burdens only lessens your odds of hitting the jackpot. I suppose some people prefer to navigate relationship minefields in hopes they will have a great love story to tell. Personally, I’d rather just have the love, you can keep the story.

If you do decide to continue this ill advised love affair, then you’re gonna have to put in some serious effort to make it work. You could go on Skype dates. Take your laptops to you favorite restaurants and enjoy a meal together! Make sure they have wifi first of course. Use Face Time to take long walks together in the park. Grab a body pillow, turn your phones on speaker and cuddle next to a fire. There are many ways to almost enjoy a long distance relationship, you just have to be creative. And a lil bit desperate.

That’s my advice. Whatever you do, be honest with yourself, and be honest with your heart. Good luck.

I am the Strawboss.

All that being said, she has spoken with the hiring manager and has pretty much guaranteed that I am placed in a position as well, but will be very much at the bottom of the totem pole and not making even 15% of her annual salary. This is where I am conflicted: I know that I am very much more qualified for the position, have been in the community and industry for a very long time, and actually have the expertise and experience that the position calls for. I am sure that if I push my way in, I could very well get the position. I wouldn’t even think of going for it (which I assured her I wouldn’t because she was nervous I would), however I am currently unemployed, caring for my children as a single parent, and have recently needed to take Food Stamps and Cash Assistance (welfare) just to try making even a portion of my rent.

Of course it is a no-brainer that taking care of my family trumps all, but what do you think the professional ramifications may be for offering myself up for the position (especially when the hiring manager knows we’re friends), and at this point, is forfeiting a friendship worth said ramifications? My head is spinning…
Sincerely,
Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,
Yes, family comes first and you may very well be more qualified for this position than your friend, but going behind her back to get it would make you an @sshole. Cricket the Crackhead was kind enough to take time out from her busy Meth habit to reach back and give your unemployed arse a recommendation, and instead of gratitude, you are consumed with jealously and misguided feelings of injustice.

When you are focused on how unfair life has been, you forget how generous it has been as well. You become obsessed with the advantages of anyone who is presumably less deserving while conveniently ignoring any burdens they must bear. Such disingenuous claims of injustice will only cause you to miss the blessings in your own life.

Take the entry level job if it is offered, then take your friend to lunch. Work hard and climb your way back to the top without stepping on the person who helped get you there in the first place. Above all, be grateful. If life were really fair, we’d all be in trouble.

I am the Strawboss. “You’re gonna miss out on everything cool and die angry.” ~Patton Oswalt

Dear Cave,
I have heard that regular sex/masturbation can lead to a healthier prostate, but notice I said REGULAR. Your level of activity has you headed to the Guinness Book of World Records with a possible stop at the ER for severe dermatitis. Oxygen, water and icees are all necessary for survival, but any one of them can kill you if consumed in excess. Of course there are worse ways to go than icee intoxication.

Try to limit your whack sessions to no more than once a day. Excessive masturbation not only leads to skin and wrist injuries, but it also leads to disgusting keyboards and socks winding up in separate loads of laundry. And it also leads to a lack of intimacy during real sex. Although, with 18 times a day under your belt, real sex probably isn’t an option right now.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Bradley,
Whenever I get a plea for advice, I pay special attention to the wording. If this were all her doing, you would have been quick to point out, “That b*tch cold cocked me with a frying pan!” or something like that. Instead, your vague description of events leads me to believe that you did some laying on of hands yourself, and not with the Holy Spirit. There are only two times when it’s acceptable for a man to hit a woman. First, when she is beating his @ss. I don’t mean a scratch or two, or even a black eye. I mean when he is getting smacked around like a birthday piñata and the only thing standing between him and total emasculation is a wild rabbit punch (see video below for reference). The other time is when the woman turns out to be a man and you’ve already paid up front.

Frankly, I just don’t understand the concept of grown people fighting, especially loved ones. As children, our debating skills are limited to “Nuh uh!” and throwing a Tonka truck at someone’s head. As we mature, we should have a few more verbal tools in our arsenal so as not to resort to fisticuffs. Besides, how do you settle a disagreement by fighting? Do you whip someone’s @ss then jump up like, “Yeah! I told you supposably wasn’t a word!! In your face, Grandma!”

There isn’t an hour that goes by where I don’t I wanna punch someone in the face (including when I’m asleep), but I resist those urges. Why? Because I don’t like being forced to have sex with men in confined spaces. And by confined spaces, I’m not just talking about the prison cell. An inability to remain civil during a disagreement is a sign of immaturity and a lack of self-control, and puts you another rung down on the evolutionary ladder. Next thing you know, you’ll be flinging poo at one another.

Okay, so what do you do going forward? Well, assuming you’re not writing me from a jail cell, go apologize to your wife and make a pact to never take things to that level again. Then learn to fight responsibility. And I don’t mean with gloves and head gear. Stay on topic and just present facts. Don’t escalate the situation by bringing up unrelated issues or by calling her mother names. Take your time to listen to each other. Remember, the goal isn’t to win, it’s to come to an understanding. Once you reach the point in your arguments where your goal is simply to win, then you cease being partners and become rivals, and no relationship can survive with its members on opposite teams.

I am the Strawboss.

Dear Mel,
In my experience, if you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll want a glass of milk. Or maybe just a thimble full, as a full glass is certain to drown him. People, especially desperate people, only see what they want to see despite all evidence to the contrary. Just look at the lottery. Players conveniently ignore the 20 million losers and focus all of their attention on the 3 winners. If showering carried those same odds for survival, we’d all walk around smelling like leftover @ss.

Three years is a long time to hang on without a glimmer of hope. My guess is that you’re giving this mouse a cookie. I don’t doubt that you’ve told him that it’s never gonna work, but I suspect it was something like, “OMG, Ex-Boyfriend! You need to stop coming around after you carry this box in the house for me!” You have to be giving him something to cling onto, even if it’s just you being too nice. I often get asked, “How do I let him know I’m not interested without sounding mean? How do I break up with him without looking like a b*tich?” YOU DON’T! How can you crush someone and expect him to walk away skipping? You might as well be asking, “How do I shoot this guy in the face without p*ssing him off?”

His feelings are not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be honest with him. I know you said you have been, but have you really taken all the necessary steps to send the message home? Doors have peepholes and phones have caller ID. This isn’t like the old days when answering the phone was like a game of Russian Roulette. Don’t answer the door, don’t answer his calls, and, if necessary, get a restraining order. Keep in mind, the restraining order is only effective against sane people with jobs they care about. It should not be mistaken for a bulletproof vest. It is, however, good for laying the groundwork for your acquittal. A claim of self defense against someone shot in the back is a little more believable when the deceased has a restraining order against him.

And your friends are stupid. You don’t get a man to scare off a clingy ex. You get a man to make other women jealous and to kill big scary bugs. What’s wrong with people?

I am the Strawboss.