I was at a wedding reception watching everyone bust a move on the dance floor when some fool started Milking the Cow, and followed it up by Mowing the Lawn and Pushing the Shopping Cart. I suppose it was a boon to the rhythmically challenged when everyday tasks became dance moves, but it does nothing to stave off future ridicule from the next generation.

As I imagined the backlash we would face a decade from now, I asked myself, “if art can imitate life, why can’t life imitate art?” That is to say, if we can use everyday activities on the dance floor, can’t we use dance moves in everyday life? The following is a list of dances that can be quite useful anytime.

Moonwalking - You’ve probably done this one without realizing it. You get in a convo with a Chatty Cathy who has no concept of visual cues that indicate a conversation is over, so you keep backing away til you find yourself Moonwalking down the hall. Finish it off with a crotch grab.

Lean Back – This comes in handy when dealing with a close talker with bad breath. Every time they breathe out you Lean Back, Lean Back.

Crank That Soulja Boy – If you’re fighting your way through the jungle while swatting at bees and you need to signal to others that you’re mentally disabled, this is the dance for you.

J Setting – This is what Beyonce does in her Single Ladies video. It’s good for directing traffic at a Gay Pride parade.

The Chicken Dance – Normally reserved for weddings, the Chicken Dance can pull double duty as a self breast exam and a laxative.

Cabbage Patch – If you’re choking on a chicken bone and no one is around, this could save your life.

Walk It Out – If you have to take a sh*t really badly, this will keep it in til you make your way to the nearest toilet.

I am the Strawboss. I wanna dance with somebody

I like Subway. I really do. They have fresh ingredients, there’s a variety of sanwiches, and they helped Jared get his groove back. The one thing I hate is also another thing that I love, all the choices.

When you go out for fast food, you’re used to saying, “Number 3,” and you step to the side like a Soup Nazi patron. Occassionally, you may say as much as “Number 3, Large, to go.” But that doesn’t fly at Subway.

You need to walk up to the counter with a game plan. Try saying, “Turkey,” then turning back to your coworker for some witty banter, and you will be hammered with more questions than a Liberal trying to pass a stimulus bill. “What kind of bread? 6 inch or footlong? Cheese? What kind of cheese? Toasted? What kind of vegetables? What kind of sauce? Salt and Pepper? Chips and a drink? here or to go?” I mean d@mn! Am I ordering lunch, or am I trying to give bank executives million dollar bonuses?

While I wouldn’t take away our choices, I think they could just use a standard sandwich layout unless the customer says otherwise. Which brings me to another peeve o’ mine. The term Sandwich Artist.
to be continued…

I am the Strawboss. EAT FRESH!

I was leaving Wal-Mart the other day when I was accosted by a homeless man. I had change from my recent transaction in hand, so it was pointless to feign poverty like I usually do. So while I called my second string excuses up from the bench, I realized something. There are no homeless animals.

Think about it. You’ve never seen a squirrel hanging out at the bottom of a tree waiting for the other squirrels holding a sign saying, “Will Scurry for Food.” Blue Jays don’t show up at their cousin’s nest at 2am asking to “crash on the spare twigs for the night.” Animals don’t give handouts or have entitlement programs. That tells me 1. they’re Republicans (which I won’t hold against them), and 2. they know how to survive. If you do happen to find a homeless animal, it’s a dog or cat or some other poor bastard of an animal who had the misfortune of being domesticated into incompetence by mankind.

In our attempts to become civilized, we’ve eroded our survival skills below those of a common field mouse. That’s why when the power is out for longer than 3 days we lose our minds and start stealing blue jeans and shooting at news copters. Wild animals treat a natural disaster like a slight change in plans. On the other hand, if the pizza man is 10 minutes late, we go all Lord of the Flies.

So what can we learn from the fauna in our local forests? We can learn to hibernate in cold winter months like bears, bury nuts for later like squirrels, or hide out in Super Wal-Mart like that sparrow I keep seeing near lawn and garden. We’ve been soft for too long.

I am the Strawboss. Welcome to the Jungle.

As I said earlier, it seems companies today are failing faster than an MLB player taking a drug test. So much so that I saw an article listing the next companies expected to fail. This article inspired me to compile my own list.

More Celebrities Likely to Die
These stars could be the next victims of death

Joan Rivers: Have you seen her lately? Actually, I think she’s already dead. She just doesn’t know it.

Suge Knight: Remember when Sugar Bear was hanging dudes over balconies by their ankles? Now he gets punched out quicker than a time card on Friday afternoon. I heard even Emmanuel Lewis put this cat on his back. Karma is calling.

Anyone on Celebrity Rehab: You pick.

Bobby Brown: This dude should’ve been dead 10 years ago, but instead his life been in perpetual freefall. Doesn’t he know, as a singer, he’s supposed to die before we realize he has no talent? Now, instead of crying, we’ll be like, “Bobby Brown? Yeah, I’m surprised he lasted this long.”

Michael Jackson: Michael actually died in the mid 90′s in a freak moonwalking accident. The guy you see today is really post-op LaToya Jackson. From the looks of it, he/she won’t be around for long. Michael was preceded in death by his nose.

50 Cent: This guy has more beef than a Wendy’s Big Bacon Classic. Sooner or later, all the rappers whose careers he ended are gonna rise up and get their pound of flesh. Ja Rule gets first dibs.

Joaquin Phoenix: Stringy hair, scraggly beard, inane rambling, bizarre antics; death is the next logical step. And it would make Casey Affleck’s movie a hit instead of an extended episode of Punk’d.

Amy Winehouse: Doesn’t it seem like she’s been trying to die for the past few years? Hang in there, Amy. You’ll get it right eventually.

Paula Abdul: If it’s not by Simon Cowell’s hand, then she’ll probably walk into large rock.

I am the Strawboss. Don’t let them bury me. I’m not dead.