I just finished watching this movie, and I gotta say it’s the second worst movie I’ve ever seen. The first Hulk movie holds the #1 spot. Now, I’m sure every 17 year old girl (and some women who are still clinging to the notion that some guy will rescue them from the misery that is life and protect them from all harm) feels that I’m being too harsh. But even if you ignore the INCREDIBLY SLOW pace, a plot that reads like Pepe Le Pew meets Degrassi High, the EXTREMELY LIBERAL interpretation of vampire folklore and the lack of several good ol’ fashioned vampire beat downs, you still have to deal with the all too common theme of GIRL STUCK ON STUPID!

And you thought you had problems because your daughter brought home a stoner, high school dropout. Charlie has to deal with a vampire for a son in law! This movie symbolizes everything that is wrong with a stupid girl. Some bad news bear swaggers into town and despite several red flags, the Bella’s of the world are drawn to this mysterious, bad boy who is, perhaps, just misunderstood.

“Bella, I gotta tell you, I’m having a really hard time not ripping your throat open slurping your blood down like a cherry Icee.”
“It’s cool. You took your meds, right?”

Listen, when a vampire comes a courtin’, you RUN! What’s romantic about dating a guy who spends every minute in your presence thinking about how good your blood would taste with vodka and a celery stalk? There is no 12 step program for hemoglobin addicts. If you can’t change Phil, the inattentive alcoholic car thief, what makes you think you can change Edward, the blood sucking vampire?

Is this how women really think? I guess if women can stick by drug addicts, murderers and various other ne’er-do-wells, then vampires aren’t too much of a stretch. I just think it’s really telling that so many young women think a girl falling for a guy who puts her life and the lives of everyone around her in danger is some kind of love story. Maybe Rihanna taking Chris back isn’t so hard to imagine after all.

I am the Strawboss. I never thought much about how I would die…blah blah blah…