I’m sure most you have heard about Tiffany, the woman from Xenia who went missing 5 days ago. Theories abounded, and, as some suspected, she was found in Florida with the “Person of Interest,” Tre. Let me digress and say, a person of interest sounds a lot better than it actually is. It’s almost as if someone were to say, “Strawboss, you’re a person of interest,” I’d want to say, “Why thank you, my good man.” But anyway, some say don’t jump to conclusions, so I’ll save that for later in my diatribe. For now, I’ll just state the facts:

They are both married with children
They were seen together a number of times at a convenience store
An acquaintance of the 2 saw her hiding in the back seat of his car
She withdrew some money from the ATM
He withdrew some money from the ATM
Her car was found abandoned
His car was found abandoned
His wife said he wouldn’t hurt “Tiffany”
They were both found in Miami

Now, for the Conclusion Jumping Event. Let me start by saying a convenience store is an odd place to be seen together more than once. Were they refueling on Code Red Dew and Flamin’ Hot Funyuns (yes, they make those)? When riding in Tre’s car, why was she in the backseat, while his dog sat up front? I can’t imagine the dog called shotgun first. They both take out cash. Sounds like you’re planning something. You abandon your cars. I know long term airport parking is steep, but leaving your car with the keys in it at a public park isn’t exactly the next best thing. Why is his wife calling her Tiffany, like they host Pampered Chef parties together? And why didn’t she report HIM missing? Miami? That’s not like heading down to Ikea on a whim.

So what are my conclusions? Post Partum Depression? More like a Post Partum Booty Run. They’re sneaking around 7 Eleven. She’s hiding in the back seat. This was planned. We’ve all seen the news. If you have a family and you vanish, people will look for you. You could give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was depressed and acted on a whim and didn’t mean to worry people. Well when you disappear AND abandon your car, folks get worried. There was obvious intent based on how the vehicles were found.

“Maybe if I leave my keys in the ignition, people will realize that I’m coming back. But just to be sure, let me flatten a tire.”

And why does the wife seem to know this woman and not report him missing? Seems like she was glad to have him gone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she introduced the 2 and drove them to the airport.

“Bags? Y’all don’t need no bags. Just pick up and go. I’ll tell everybody where you at. Here’s money for the Greyhound, never mind I’ll drive you myself.”

And or course they’re found 5 days later sipping Sex on the Beach, probably while having sex on the beach.

So what should be done? Obvious actions like public flogging, and perhaps a couple months on the chain gang are in order. But there are some possible unforeseen ramifications for these two, Tiffany in particular. She better not get snatched for real within the next 20 years. Try gathering up a search party twice in one decade for this chick.

“Search party? You got better luck getting’ me to join the Tea Party! I missed The Young and the Restless 3 days in a row searchin’ for that heifer! I’ll be damned if I miss Victor and Nicky gettin’ remarried again!”

Al Quaeda could have this woman on video with a knife at her neck pleading with the US to get out of Iraq and the American public still wouldn’t believe her.

“Uh huh. She ain’t been kidnapped. I used see to her at the Quickie Mart talkin’ to Abdul all time during his shift. Sippin’ grape Icees and eatin’ beef jerky. They done run off. She good for that kinda sh*t!”

Whatever her home life was like, whatever she was going through, there’s really no excuse to disappear and worry a whole city. I think based on the abandoned cars, the pair should be charged with something. And you’re probably wondering why I’m not as hard on the guy as I am on the woman. Well, he was gone just as long as she was, and they only started looking for his @ss to locate her. Moral of the story, men don’t make good victims and are pretty much expected to disappear of their own free will. Women, at least leave a note.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 7th, 2010 at 9:50 pm and is filed under Diatribe. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.