It’s late at night, everyone’s in bed and I’m delirious from lack of sleep. It’s the perfect storm of events for watching a horror flick like Paranormal Activity, right? WRONG! I’ve been more afraid watching Goosebumps!
Far be it from me to criticize pop culture… actually, that’s not very far from me, but this time it’s more than justified! I haven’t been this let down since The Michael Richards’ Show. Below you will find my list of complaints about this movie (surprise!). SPOILER ALERT!
1. Katie’s Shady Past – While I do not believe in ghosts or demons, I do believe in crazy, and Katie was a big ball of that. Even as a nonbeliever, I would still be worried about a chick who claims to have been haunted since she was 8. It would only be a matter of time before this heifer is at the foot of my bed, burning my house to the ground.
2. Katie Gets Froggy – Micah said his camera costs half of what he makes in a day. I estimate that camera at $5,000. Some quick math tells us that my man Micah is pulling down $2,600,000 a year. That’s some serious coin. Katie, ON THE OTHER HAND, is a professional student. So please tell me how this chick has the nerve to kick my man out of rooms that he paid for? You wanna be alone, you and your demon better go sleep in the convertible. This MY house!
3. Unimaginative Demons – This is a problem I have with lots of supernatural flicks. Invisible creatures walking around doing stupid sh*t all night. Can you imagine returning to Hell and handing over your productivity report to your boss? “You closed some doors, left the lights on, watched some TV, moved a set of keys, threw a shoe at a chandelier and you short sheeted their bed? What is this, Johnson? You’re a demon, not Dennis the Menace! And what’s all that white crap you’re tracking all over my floor?!”
4. Incompetent Ghost Hunter – What was up with this worthless SOB? “I don’t do demons! I’m only trained in ghosts!” Well, don’t you have any holy water or a proton gun you can leave behind? Reminds me of that skit from In Living Color where Tommy Davidson goes to work in the fast food joint and claims he can work a shake machine. After it explodes he claims, “Oh see that was chocolate. I only have experience with strawberry and vanilla.”
5. Micah the Moron – If there is one time you need Jesus on your side, it is when demons are squatting at your pad. Therefore, you probably aren’t gonna get any cool points from JC if you throw a crucifix in a fire. In fact, you’ll probably get a few more demons assigned to your watch.
6. Foot Powder – What was that gonna solve? Sure, it lets you know someone’s in the room, but I thought we established that with the Home Alone antics mentioned earlier. But Micah’s gonna fix it. Sorry, but unless Hell Boy sees his foot prints in the baby powder and yells, “The jig is up!” and runs away, all you got a is demon with white feet.
7. Ouija Boards – People always get their knickers in a knot over this line to the undead, but here’s a fun fact, Ouija is a trademark of Parker Brothers. You know, the same cats who brought you Monopoly, Risk and Trivial Pursuit? So, unless the Ouija boards are sprinkled with a lil bug-a-boo dust at the end of production, you run the same supernatural risks with your thimble landing on Park Place.
8. Gratuitous Nudity – There was none! Oh, there was the tease of such treasures, but we never got the full monty. It wouldn’t have saved this movie, but it would have made it slightly more tolerable.
9. Katie – Not only was this chick annoying, she was the cause of all this tomfoolery. Once it was established that the demon was there because of her, Micah should have sent that lil freeloader packin’! Then this sack of whine has the nerve to blame it all on Micah and his camera (which she held for half the movie)! Micah, there are plenty of ample bosomed women in the world who have jobs and aren’t being shadowed by the undead.
10. Been Done – You can never duplicate The Blair Witch Project. We all lost our cherries with that one, and we will never be duped again.
