I’m sure most you have heard about Tiffany, the woman from Xenia who went missing 5 days ago. Theories abounded, and, as some suspected, she was found in Florida with the “Person of Interest,” Tre. Let me digress and say, a person of interest sounds a lot better than it actually is. It’s almost as if someone were to say, “Strawboss, you’re a person of interest,” I’d want to say, “Why thank you, my good man.” But anyway, some say don’t jump to conclusions, so I’ll save that for later in my diatribe. For now, I’ll just state the facts:

They are both married with children
They were seen together a number of times at a convenience store
An acquaintance of the 2 saw her hiding in the back seat of his car
She withdrew some money from the ATM
He withdrew some money from the ATM
Her car was found abandoned
His car was found abandoned
His wife said he wouldn’t hurt “Tiffany”
They were both found in Miami

Now, for the Conclusion Jumping Event. Let me start by saying a convenience store is an odd place to be seen together more than once. Were they refueling on Code Red Dew and Flamin’ Hot Funyuns (yes, they make those)? When riding in Tre’s car, why was she in the backseat, while his dog sat up front? I can’t imagine the dog called shotgun first. They both take out cash. Sounds like you’re planning something. You abandon your cars. I know long term airport parking is steep, but leaving your car with the keys in it at a public park isn’t exactly the next best thing. Why is his wife calling her Tiffany, like they host Pampered Chef parties together? And why didn’t she report HIM missing? Miami? That’s not like heading down to Ikea on a whim.

So what are my conclusions? Post Partum Depression? More like a Post Partum Booty Run. They’re sneaking around 7 Eleven. She’s hiding in the back seat. This was planned. We’ve all seen the news. If you have a family and you vanish, people will look for you. You could give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was depressed and acted on a whim and didn’t mean to worry people. Well when you disappear AND abandon your car, folks get worried. There was obvious intent based on how the vehicles were found.

“Maybe if I leave my keys in the ignition, people will realize that I’m coming back. But just to be sure, let me flatten a tire.”

And why does the wife seem to know this woman and not report him missing? Seems like she was glad to have him gone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she introduced the 2 and drove them to the airport.

“Bags? Y’all don’t need no bags. Just pick up and go. I’ll tell everybody where you at. Here’s money for the Greyhound, never mind I’ll drive you myself.”

And or course they’re found 5 days later sipping Sex on the Beach, probably while having sex on the beach.

So what should be done? Obvious actions like public flogging, and perhaps a couple months on the chain gang are in order. But there are some possible unforeseen ramifications for these two, Tiffany in particular. She better not get snatched for real within the next 20 years. Try gathering up a search party twice in one decade for this chick.

“Search party? You got better luck getting’ me to join the Tea Party! I missed The Young and the Restless 3 days in a row searchin’ for that heifer! I’ll be damned if I miss Victor and Nicky gettin’ remarried again!”

Al Quaeda could have this woman on video with a knife at her neck pleading with the US to get out of Iraq and the American public still wouldn’t believe her.

“Uh huh. She ain’t been kidnapped. I used see to her at the Quickie Mart talkin’ to Abdul all time during his shift. Sippin’ grape Icees and eatin’ beef jerky. They done run off. She good for that kinda sh*t!”

Whatever her home life was like, whatever she was going through, there’s really no excuse to disappear and worry a whole city. I think based on the abandoned cars, the pair should be charged with something. And you’re probably wondering why I’m not as hard on the guy as I am on the woman. Well, he was gone just as long as she was, and they only started looking for his @ss to locate her. Moral of the story, men don’t make good victims and are pretty much expected to disappear of their own free will. Women, at least leave a note.

I took today off to watch Iron Man 2, and before you call me a geek, know that I needed some time off anyway. I was maxing out my vacation accruals and my tolerance for tomfoolery. Well, Robert wasn’t due to make his debut until later, so I decided to hit the gym. It was a pretty good workout considering I hadn’t eaten. Which explains why I nearly passed out. I finished up my workout and decided to take a stroll around the park.

I thought I’d have the morning to myself, but I forgot about retirees. Here’s a tip: whenever you find a break from your usual schedule and decide to make your rounds early in the day when no one’s around, you can count on retirees to squash those plans. There were probably 50 if there were a dozen! The one good thing I can say about it was that they were all on trams getting a guided tour. Now I like Cox (the park), but it really doesn’t seem like the guided tour kinda place. “Here we have some bluegill. Over there is an insanely large carp. Oh that critter is called a chipmunk.” If you don’t know what the plants are, then you’re in luck. There are signs everywhere. But anyway.

So I’m checking out the flora and the fauna when I notice this woman in a UD sweatshirt with a camera. You’d think a person in a park with a camera would be hunting subjects, but this bird had an odd gait. She had this deliberate stride, but didn’t seem to be heading anywhere in particular. She didn’t stop once to take a picture. “Oh well,” I thought and checked out the fish below. I watched in awe as these cannibalistic large mouth bass tried to eat their yearling kin. To my joy and dismay, they never got their meal. Suddenly, Annie Leibovitz is right behind me. As I jumped, she asked, “Are the turtles out today, or is it just the fish?” Now bear in mind that the Senior Tour was now long gone, and this lone white woman weighing a buck 20 was approaching this strange black guy. I figured she had guts, or she was up to something. Her question didn’t seem genuine (turtles hang out in plain view, so she knew they weren’t around), so I knew she was up to something.

“Just the fish, ” I replied. She remarked that it was a nice day, told me God bless and went on her way. She had that same determined stride. I went back to my fish watching and kept a close eye on her as she came in and out of view through various trees. At one point, she disappeared behind some trees, and a man came soon afterward heading the same way. I thought maybe he was stalking her, and I would’ve investigated, but I saw a robin and a cardinal mixing it up over a piece of food. The bird fight won my attention. Don’t judge! Bird fights are awesome! The best one I ever saw was between a sparrow and what looked like a giant hawk. They scrapped in the air for a bit, then the little sparrow jumped on the large bird’s back and rode him for 30 seconds, in midair! It was great. But I digress.

So what happened to our young photographer victim? Well, much to my surprise, she again popped up by my side. It was like Emilio from Mr Deeds! At this point I thought she was in cahoots with the dude and they were gonna jack me! Well, she informed me that she was doing a prayer walk and wanted to know if I had anything I needed her to pray for. I indeed had a Honey Do list of things the Lord could work on, but she probably only penciled in an hour for the task, so I declined. She then said, “Jesus wanted me to tell you that he loves you.”

I started to say, “Well you tell Jesus that we need that server back up and running so sales reps can get their ads!” Then I realized she probably wasn’t talking about our Jesus in IT that works out of our Dominican Republic office. I nodded and she went on her way.

I didn’t see her for the rest of the morning, so I assumed she must have circled my area continuously to work up the nerve to approach me. I then concluded that prayer walks probably weren’t just spiritual fitness multitasking. They were probably instructed to find folks to pray for. I then wondered if there was some kind of point system based on approachability. Seniors .5 points, Women 2 points, Men 10 points, Teenagers 25 points, Strange Black Men 50 points. She was going for the gold.

As I left, I got caught behind a grade school field trip (another group that jacks up early to midday plans). They were headed the same way, so it looked like I was following them for quite a while. It made the teachers understandably nervous. As I drove away, I wondered if that woman found a soul to pray for, if that man was really a pervert and if that robin beat that cardinal’s @ss. I guess I’ll never know, but that was my morning.